My Poem.

[Slushy]

*Removed*

[Floog]

:thumbsup: FRIGGIN THWEET DUDE :thumbsup:

thats really good

[Slushy]

YAAAAAAY, thanks so much. I am only 14, so I thought knowone would have liked it. :sad: But thanks so much , you made my day. :D

[fungus555]

Nice, but it feels a bit fast. Yes, I can feel the tempo in these things. that final line just gets rushed a bit when I read it because the tempo feels a bit high. But that's just me. I tend to read poetry in ways different from most others.

[Slushy]

Yes well it did not take long to make it, I can try for a more slow, and more explanetry one after I have had my nap. :D

[Slushy]

Another one for you:

Here is where this poem begins
It is no story
It is no tale

Just a poem to tell to your friends
A poem that has to end.



You have to walk before you run
You have to jump before you fall
You have to speak before you sing
You have to be short, before you be tall

If you run before you walk
If you fall before you jump
If you sing before you speak
If your tall before you be short

Then nothing can possably go right in this world
Everything would brake
Everything would fail
Everything would be destroyed
That is why this is no tale

All this could possably hapen
If this world was made so wrong
But would it be wrong if this is what it is
If god was thinking so very different

So never think of this world being strange
The ways how everything works
Because if it was so very different
We would think the same.

[Dave of York]

Don't give up the day job.

[Slushy]

What does that mean.

[radiopillows]

What does that mean. I think you know what it means.

[Slushy]

That my poems are crap? o_o

[radiopillows]

That my poems are crap? o_oI will not put words into Dave of York's mouth.

[Slushy]

I DONT UNDERSTAND, I am so confused.. :sad:

[Locke]

Damn it Dave and Radio, I had the perfect all ignored thread going into you two shit it up. It was quite amusing to see every single post blocked.

Reading it now, it really isn't very good. Stock pseudoinsightful sayings don't work. Also, it would be a good idea to actually get a grasp on the English language itself before going on to more ambitious things like poetry.

[Germantrooper]

Pretty sure he means "Keep going,"

At least i say you should. :thumbsup:

[Slushy]

Yay thanks. :D

[Wildcard]

Don't give up the day job.

Unless the day job is writing poems...

then they might want to consider giving it up.

[Slushy]

Um, I only make poems in my spare time, it takes me less then 10 seconds to pull up a short one. :D

[Dave of York]

Hence why they suck. You can't spend 10 seconds writing down some emo bullshit then call it poetry. Unless it's "modern poetry" or something, cos it works for modern art.

[Slushy]

Suck me, *kicks dave of york*

[Germantrooper]

come on you 2, stop. :angry:

[radiopillows]

Yeah, you really should spend some time studying what makes a poem a poem. Just putting your thoughts down results in crap like these.

[Dave of York]

Suck me, *kicks dave of york*

What? So you're angry because I critisise something you spent "10 seconds" on? Maybe if you want people to like something you do, you should put some effort into it. That might help.

[Slushy]

I do put effort into them, but everything i do, i can do quickly.

[echoes]

THMMAAAA SHIT POEM ALERT

not just saying this beacause I am gooned either

[Wolf Pup TK]

I wouldn't go so far as to say it's garbage, but I do think it needs work. I think you need to think about it and what feelings and concepts you're trying to get across and work those out a little more.

It feels like you're trying to bring soemthing out, but you're rushing through it. The last line especially needs more work, maybe build up to it a bit more. It seems like it's thrown in, although I think I understand how you were trying to lead up to it.

[Locke]

*Stuff*
I never read your posts because I'm too busy looking at your avatar's breasts. Post a lot more.

[Khonsu]

Yeah, you really should spend some time studying what makes a poem a poem. Just putting your thoughts down results in crap like these.

Sorry, sweetie, but he's right. You did well for a ten-second poem, but honestly, study it, if it's your passion. You owe it to those of us who are serious about poetry to do it well, if you can, and learn what you can about how poetry is "supposed" to be done--poetry is subjective, though, so don't look to US for criticism, merely understanding. If we "get" what you were saying, that is enough. If we like or not doesn't factor into it, but if you made your emotions or purpose clear in a thought-provoking, intelligent, entertaining way.

Keep your nose to the grindstone, most of my first poems looked like this--I would hope I have improved since; it was about six years ago.

[Slushy]

Its not like i am doing it for a hobby, i just gave it a go. And it was crap, so i wont do it anymore, so please stop posting on this thread, just makin me feel worse. :sad:

[Khonsu]

Its not like i am doing it for a hobby, i just gave it a go. And it was crap, so i wont do it anymore, so please stop posting on this thread, just makin me feel worse. :sad:

We're not trying to make you feel bad--we're trying to tell you to work at it if you like it. Don't give up because we know more--just work at it. If you're too lazy or don't care enough to work at it, then yes, don't ever do it again. But don't stop trying and learning on our account. Don't whine about how it sucked and how we're making you sad--have a set of balls! Show us you can do better--take up our challenge and show us you CAN produce good works. Quit yer bitching and just try it!